somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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