Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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