Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
