I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
