i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
