you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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