I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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