happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
