My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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