I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
