my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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