3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
