Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize