piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
