I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
