So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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