I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Randomize