I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
