My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
