There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think I am morally bankrupt
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
