a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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