After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
