Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
