Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
