The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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