I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i've created a new STD.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
