fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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