: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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