I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Your penis caused this!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
