I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
