I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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