just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
