: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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