i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
