I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think a kid would responsible me up
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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