If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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