I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
