I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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