I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
