i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
