She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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