went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
