Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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