I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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