Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
