Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
