for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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