When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
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