I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
