I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
