does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
