Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
