I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
