if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just had sex bonerless
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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