I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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