i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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