When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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