You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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